Trick Step
by The Lone Drunk Elf
Summary: James wants to ask Lily a very CERTAIN question. How will she react? Throw in a weekday curfew and a castle where the furniture is determined to get our couple together and see what happens. LJ, oneshot.


**Trick Step**

_By The Lone Drunk Elf_

-----

**A/N:** LJ. All dialogue. Hopefully interesting.

**Disclaimer: **If I owned this, d'you think I wouldn't've sold it by now?

-----

"Evans! Hey, Evans, wait up!"

"What do you want _now, _Potter?"

"Well, you see, Evans, uh…well…I wanted to ask-"

"Potter, will you _stop _messing up your hair more? It's so _annoying!"_

"Sorry, Ev- Lily. Nervous habit. Why do you always call me Potter, anyway?"

"Um…because it's your name, _duh._"

"I have a first name, you know! Hi, I'm James, James Potter. Nice to meet you."

"Stop shaking my hand, I know who you are, Potter! Besides, you're such a hypocrite, you always call me Evans!"

"If you think back a few moments back in our conversations, Lils, you will find that I did indeed call you by your first name once."

"Well – you…I…that is – argh! So what? Why should I call you James, huh, Ja- Potter?"

"Lily dearest, don't you think we should drop this juvenile practice of addressing each other by our surnames only?"

"Why should we? We've been doing this for the past seven years! Besides, it's a big decision to make! I can't just suddenly go from calling you Potter to calling you James! These things take time!"

"Lily, you said it yourself, we've been doing this for the past _seven years_ and that's plenty of time! I'm not asking you to marry me, just to call me James!"

"Well…um – anyway, weren't you going to ask me something?"

"Well, I guess if you don't even want to call me by my first name then you won't want-"

"Damn straight! Can I go now?"

"Are you going back to the common room?"

"Yes, if you _must_ know. Not that's it's any of your business."

"Great, I'm going there as well, I'll walk with you!"

"Why do I get the feeling that even if I said I was going to the bottom of the lake, you would say you were heading there too?"

"Is that a rhetorical question?"

"Well, is your question a rhetorical question?"

"I don't know, Lil, that depends on whether or not your first question was a- ARGH!"

"You idiot! Don't you know you're supposed to skip that step?"

"Well, _now_ I do! I normally skip it – it's just…you were here today and – well, you know how I get around you…"

"Look, Potter, keep on topic!"

"What is the topic, anyway?"

"…Um…well…I've forgotten, actually. ARGH, POTTER, I'M LOSING MY MEMORY AT SEVENTEEN BECAUSE OF YOU!"

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Well, are you going to help me get free?"

"What? Help you get free from where?"

"The trick step…_duh_…I'm kind of stuck here, you see."

"Potter, '_duh'_ing me at this stage isn't a good idea, you know. I could just leave you stranded here if you keep going on like that!"

"NOO! Oh Merlin, I'm gonna die! They're gonna see my rotted skeleton right here, at this very trick step, and there'll be a memorial plate saying 'Here lies the gorgeous, amazing, perfect, great, intelligent, adorable, handsome, cute, smart, humorous, generous, benevolent, brave, good, kind, noble and of _course_, extremely humble, modest – help me out here, Lily, I'm running out of adjectives! –"

"Okay, okay! Just stop with the self-praise thing, okay? You _know_ that really annoys me, don't you? That's why you did it, didn't you?"

"Um…would you believe me if I said no?"

"No comment."

"So – will you help me up if I stop going on about how gorgeous, amazing, perfect-"

"Argh! Okay, I will help you out of there if it shuts you up!"

"Um – Lily? I don't think that's a good move – no – wait, don't do that – oh, great!"

"This is all your fault, Potter!"

"_My _fault? If I recall correctly, it was _you_ who fell when you tried to pull me up and got stuck in here yourself!"

"Yes – well…let's not point the finger of blame, Potter."

"Lily?"

"Yes, Potter?"

"How long do we have to stay here?"

"I don't know, Potter. Am I supposed to?"

"Of course. You're Lily Evans. You know everything."

"I may be Lily Evans, but I most certainly do _not _know everything. For example, I wouldn't have a clue what goes on in that mind of yours, and I'm not sure I really want to know."

"D'you want me to tell you?"

"Hel- heck, no! Why would I?"

"Come on, Lily! If you're going to swear, do it properly! Repeat after me, 'Hell, no!'"

"Potter, I don't swear! I'm Head Girl! I can't swear!"

"Yeah, well I'm Head Boy and I can swear perfectly fine, so why can't you? Besides, there's nobody here except us. We're all _alone_, Lils!"

"Potter, take your arm away from my waist and stop puckering up! If you try anything, I'll tell Dumbledore you raped me!"

"_WHAT?"_

"What, it comes as a shock?"

"Lily, I would _never _do that! I would _never_ hurt you and if anyone does, _I'll_ personally-"

"James, I was _joking._ Besides, you're not the type for that kind of stuff."

"Not the type? Then who is?"

"Well, your pal Black strikes me as the player. Remus is the mysterious scholar and you're the gay one."

"What the bloody hell – are you implying –?"

"God, I was _joking again_. You, as you have proven on many accounts are firmly hetero."

"Oh… – well, that's okay then. Who's the gay one?"

"I dunno, maybe Pettigrew? I mean, what's with his obsession with cheese? I mean, he eats it all the time and he seems to have a fetish for it!"

"Oh – there's a reason why he's obsessed with cheese. Happened in fifth year."

"What happened in fifth year?"

"Can't tell you that. Marauder's promise."

"What? I thought you liked me?"

"Hey – I do, I do! Just – …this is really big. I mean really, really big. Let's just say it involves the Marauders, Dumbledore and the Ministry of Magic."

"Okay – fine, if it's really important. Who knew that Peter's cheese obsession was so important?"

"Hey, Lily? What's your favourite food?"

"Why?"

"I want to know you better, and since you won't go on a date with me or even come near me, this is my only opportunity, I guess."

"Oh – right. Well – I guess it would have to be – well…this is kind of embarrassing…"

"Come on, you can tell me, my favourite food's bound to be worse!"

"Huh, I doubt it. Well – I like pizzas with chocolate fudge sauce, Jelly Slugs and Ice Mice on them."

"…"

"Stop laughing!"

"How did you know I was laughing?"

"Your shoulders were shaking and you're kind of vibrating!"

"Okay, sorry!"

"So what's your favourite food?"

"Um…promise you won't tell anyone?"

"Why? Is it that bad?"

"No, it's just the same kind of thing as with Peter's cheese obsession."

"Oh. Do tell."

"My favourite food is grass."

"Pardon? Did I hear that correctly?"

"I said 'grass' and yeah, you heard correctly."

"Oh my God – you're on drugs? Argh, I'm alone with a drug addict! That would explain why you're so weird, you're always on a high! This is so-"

"No, not _marijuana_ type grass, calm down, Lil! I meant the type of grass sta- I mean, cows eat!"

"…So you're not on drugs?"

"No, of course not!"

"Well, that's a relief…sort of."

"What do you mean, _'sort of'?"_

"Well, now I know that your weirdness is not drug-induced. Which is not very comforting, to be honest."

"Gee, thanks a lot."

"You're welcome."

"Is it just me, or has this stair grown narrower?"

"It's just you – no wait, it _does _seem more cramped than before. That's strange."

"I guess. Lily, what's your favourite colour?"

"Sky-blue. Why?"

"I wanted to know."

"Okay…what's your favourite colour?"

"I can't decide between red and green! I've been trying for the past seven years."

"Choose red! Green's a Slytherin colour!"

"Well, yeah, but…it's also the same colour as…never mind – anyway, what's the time?"

"Oh my God, it's five minutes past nine! It's officially past curfew! What are we going to do, we'll be expel-"

"Lily, _calm down!_ I've been out past curfew heaps of times and I've never been caught!"

"Okay, calm. I'm calm. COMPLETELY CALM!"

"Lily, I think you're overreacting."

"_I AM NOT OVERREACTING!"_

"Uh-huh. _Sure_ you're not, Lily."

"Deep breaths. Take _deep_ breaths, Lily. Come on, Evans, breathe!"

"There, that's better, isn't it, Lily?"

"Is that a rhetorical question?"

"Well, is your question a – oh, _don't _start that again!"

"Okay, fine, James, I won't."

"You called me Ja-ames! You called me Ja-ames!"

"Well, if you're going to mock me for it, I'll go back to calling you Potter!"

"You witch!"

"Be careful what you say, Potter. If you say that to me again, make sure you're smiling because you wouldn't want me to mishear it, _would you now?"_

"Um…no, Lily, you can put away the wand now! Please, Lily?"

"Okay, fine, stop giving me that puppy-dog face."

"Works every time."

"You git!"

"Ow, that _hurt!_ Girls are _not _supposed to be able to hit hard enough to make manly Quidditch players shriek in pain!"

"So you're manly now?"

"Well, _duh."_

"What were you going to ask me before, anyway?"

"Oh – well, never mind about that, we can't do anything about it here."

"Yeah, because this isn't a broom closet."

"What was that?"

"Oh – nothing."

"Okay – if you say so."

"I do say so."

"Were you supposed to respond to that?"

"I don't know. I did anyway, so what's the problem arguing about it now?"

"We're not _arguing,_ we're _discussing."_

"Sure, sure. Same diff."

"Lily?"

"Yes, James?"

"Can I ask you five questions that you _must_ answer unless the safety of the wizarding world depends on it?"

"Well, can I ask you five questions?"

"Yes, if I can ask you five questions."

"Okay, shoot."

"What?"

"I mean, go ahead."

"Is that your natural hair colour?"

"Yes. Now I get to ask you one: who was your first kiss?"

"Um – Lian Chang, in Ravenclaw. Yours?"

"Lian Chang? She's always crying, ever since her boyfriend transferred to Beauxbatons!"

"Hey, I didn't know about that until I dated her! I had this crush on her in third year and went out with her halfway through fourth. I think her boyfriend transferred at the start of fourth year."

"Oh."

"Hey, you avoided my question!"

"What question?"

"Lily, you _know_ what I'm talking about!"

"Okay, okay, I just like annoying you! Amos Diggory in Hufflepuff."

"What's with the expression?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Well, you're doing that nose wrinkly thing which clearly means you don't like him."

"Oh – right. Well, let's just say things didn't work out between us."

"Okay, it's your turn for your second question, Lily."

"Boxers or briefs?"

"_What?"_

"You heard me."

"Well – it just sounded more like a question I would ask."

"You haven't answered, and besides, I couldn't think of another question."

"…Fine! Boxers."

"You know, James, bright red doesn't suit you."

"Err…I'm too old to blush, why are you doing this to me? Anyway, my third question: if you were one of the last people on the planet and it was just you, me and Snape, and only two of us could live, who would choose as your partner to help repopulate the planet, me or Snape?"

"You are really weird, you know that?"

"Yeah, sure, answer the question."

"That is so unfair! You give me you and Snape to choose from? What about that cute seventh year Ravenclaw?"

"Which one? I have to add him to my hit list."

"Never mind. You, I guess. I can't live with all that greasy hair."

"Is that the only reason?"

"Well, you're in Gryffindor and he's in Slytherin."

"Okay, your turn."

"Same scenario, just you, Sirius and McGonagall. Who would you pick?"

"You have a really sick mind, you know that? At least I gave you one viable option!"

"Oh yeah, Snape's _so_ viable."

"I meant me!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, are you gonna answer?"

"Argh – McGonagall if I _have _to repopulate the planet, Sirius to while away time before we die _without_ reproducing."

"Ha, next time I see McGonagall, I'm _so_ telling her that!"

"Stop laughing! My fourth question, if you had to repopulate the planet, who with, Dumbledore or Hagrid?"

"_Ew! _And you had the audacity to say that _I_ had a sick mind?"

"Just answer the question, Lily."

"Ugh…fine, Hagrid then, he's younger."

"…"

"_Stop _laughing! James, it's _not_ funny! You didn't exactly give me many other options!"

"Fine, it's my turn now…"

"Um…Lily, what's with…the…evil laugh?"

"James? Are you okay? You just went really pale."

"Yeah – yeah, I'm fine…go on and ask your fourth question…"

"Okay, then…what does your Boggart turn into?"

"Um…promise you won't laugh?"

"No promises. If it's funny, I'll laugh."

"Okay. Well, when I was six, my neighbour worked for the Department of Experimental Charms and they were experimenting for this goose race thing. Anyway, he brought home a goose and did all these charms on it so it would go faster. Sirius bet me a Chocolate Frog I wouldn't go up and touch it, so I did. I guess it was a bit crazed from being prodded with a wand, so it chased me all around our yard. Sirius was laughing his head off. I still haven't lived it down."

"…"

"Now _you're _the one who's laughing! It's not funny! Geese are scary, they way they flap – and honk – and waddle with their webbed feet – and – stop laughing!"

"You – did all – that – for a – Chocolate Frog?"

"Stop laughing! When you're six, you'll do anything for another kid's candy!"

"You idiot!"

"Thanks, now my final question: what's the time?"

"That all you got? I don't know, you're the one wearing the watch!"

"Oh yeah. It's half past ten."

"Now I get to ask my last question!"

"You already asked it: you said 'that all you got?' My reply is yes!"

"Ha, ha, you're so smart. If it's half past ten, why aren't people looking for us?"

"Dunno. I'm going to kill Sirius first thing once I'm free."

"Why?"

"Because I feel like it and he stole my last Chocolate Frog last week."

"Oh, well that's alright then."

"_Releasio!"_

"We're free!"

"Yes, we are, Lily."

"You _knew _the spell all along?"

"Um…Lily, now don't look at me like that! Lower the wand, Lily! I just wanted to ask you that question I never got around to asking you."

"What is it, James?"

"Will you help me with my Charms homework?"

"…Is that all? We can finish the homework tonight. Come on, let's go back to the common room, where I was _going_ to go before you got us stuck in that trick step."

"Lily? Also, will you go out with me?"

"You idiot!"

"Ow! Do you really think I'm an idiot?"

"Yes."

"Oh great, that was a rhetorical question actually, but do you have to rub it-"

"Yes, you are an idiot and yes, I will go out with you."

"R – really?"

"Of course really, you git, but only if you _stop messing up your hair!_ Do you know how annoying that is?"

"Sorry, Lily."

"That's better."

-----

**A/N: **Well? Feedback! I need feedback, people! A grade! An assessment! And you get cookies if you review.

O - Oranges, of course!

E - Eggplants!

A - Apple…!

P - MANGOES!

D - Drunkenly Stoopid

T - Terrible Teal-Tinted Toucan of Terror (**A/N: **I'M TERRIFIED!)

**A/N: **Do toucans even come in teal?


End file.
